mood: moody music: 'pennies' by the smashing pumpkins

it's days like today that make me wish that nothing else matters other than a ludicrously hot shower right before drifting off into dreamland. that everything melts away and washes down the drain into indifferent oblivion. of course that isn't the case; it's never that easy. but i certainly wish it were.

is this all that life is? reciprocating moods? cuz that would defintely suck. the only kind of new experiences would be in seeing what type of bad/good mood would come next. that idea kinda fits in with my whole idea that life is built on cycles. cycles like life and de.ath, the seasons, day and night. i guess life is just built like that. but how boring could that get? i can see how there can be some differences that alter each experience, and how we can take part in only one revolution of some cycles, but i would hate to go on being conscious that all good moods will just lead to eventual depression and vice versa. it's just another one of life's routines.

i'm starting to get an unwanted feeling out of living here, which isn't a good thing cuz i've still got over a year before i get the chance to leave. it feels like the scales are unbalanced and that maybe it's futile to try to tip them back the other way. maybe i'd be better off going somewhere else and starting completely over. without any past inhibitions to anchor me down. i could reinvent myself. maybe it's just the whole teen-angst dealy again. either way, i need to find somewhere to head other than downwards into the drain of indifferent oblivion.

---Goei---