mood: lost music: 'undertow' by lush

ok, so things have really gone downhill since school let out for the summer. but hey, that's just the cycle of life playing out again, right? at the top, the only place you can go is down, and vice versa. i know that sounds horribly sour. life can be quite the bitch, though.

things seem more and more confusing right now.

anyways, i've been busy doing nothing, and dammit, that's the way i like it. this season is traditionally one of increased nocturnal habits. maybe not entirely nocturnal, but defintely shifted way off from 'normal'. as in away from the sunny parts of the morning. yuck. i eat my breakfast at 2PM thank you very much.

i don't think i'm gonna be able to keep up my odd habit, though. it only took me about 4 days to realize the following: without the money i get from driving a carpool and without school during the day to distract me from going to random places and spending willy-nilly, i'm in for a summer on my knees, asking unmerciful parents for funds. so in comes a new task: job-hunt. yuck once more. so far i've applied to 2 places: a bookstore and a pet store. mainly because they're both really close to my house. a third application is going to be filled out soon for, get this: an ambulance dispatch. holy crap. it turns out my uncle works for American Medical Response and said he knows of some openings. if i do get the job, i feel sorry for the sick/dying person that's gonna get an ambulance sent through me. seeing as how i might strategically route that ambulance past a couple markets and grocery stores. two birds with one stone, right?

one last thing before i continue brooding for tonite. i found myself reading the teenage scrawlings of Heather Meadows, a reader of mine. and it struck me how even ten years ago, the focus was inevitably... boys. hehe. and i'm embarrassed to say that right now i, as a teen, feel the same way. not about boys of course. (stop looking at me that way!) i mean about my own (female) romantic interests. i hate to admit it, but i really get hung up on this sort of thing. and it ki.lls me to see how dependent i am on an outside source. but that's the way it is. and as long as i'm here as functioning human being, i'll need to feel cherished by at the very least one other person. that's the way it's always going to be.

if you haven't already guessed the underlying purpose of that last little rant, i'm being greatly confused by a certain romantic interest. and i'm trying my hardest not to turn into a whiney emo kid. (it's hard for me because i already have the setting: reckless white suburbia) anyways, that'll be the last you cyber-spectators will hear of that chapter of my life. i prefer to write about those things separately in a concrete notebook. don't worry, i'll keep brooding, you keep reading, deal?

---Goei---