mood: detached music: 'miss modular' by stereolab

i just had the weirdest feeling.

i was stripped down and about to take a shower. as usual, i was looking in the mirror right before getting in, but after a while something shifted. i started to look at things differently. the best way i can describe it is in literary terms.

normally, a person's train of thought is in 1st person. well, my thoughts suddenly went from a 1st person point of view to a 3rd person limited point of view. it was like having an out of body experience without actually leaving my body. all the while i was looking at myself and thinking, 'this is brandon goei,' and having all these characteristics running through my head, but it felt as if i was talking about someone else.

this shift made me feel so insignificant. i felt like i could just as easily switch from looking at this person in the mirror to another person somewhere else. like in 'the sims'. it was unimaginable at the moment that i had been this human being for 17 1/2 years. that felt like such a long time. and it felt like i was doomed to be trapped in this body for as long as my human memory could last.

i understood somehow what it was like to not exist; the way it would be after with no afterlife.

i kept looking into the mirror, transfixed on my reflection. i couldn't recognize the face in the mirror, but i did know what it represented. it represented brandon goei. it was what people thought of when the name brandon goei was brought up. each mark, each shade, each angle is what defined the physical aspect of me.

at that point i started to get lightheaded, so i turned away from the mirror and went under the showerhead. i actually snapped out of it rather quickly. i've had this feeling before, but never as intense as this time.

---Goei---