mood: tired music: 'from a motel 6' by yo la tengo

i can't seem to stop listening to this song. it's been on my nightly playlist for about a week now.

what a long day. i can never explain why, but i'm sure you already know what i'm talking about. it was just long.

I'm feeling so helpless right now. like i'm just watching the world around me pass by. it seems to me, right now, that i'm a fairly good person to talk to it times of trouble, but every time i hear all these problems, it makes me think of just how much i don't know about life. how much i haven't yet experienced. that depresses me. i start getting jealous of other peoples' problems. doesn't that seem kinda dumb? i want the things that are tearing them apart inside. just writing it down makes me feel like i deserve a good slap.

this week i expect to feel the same as i have for the last couple of months, which is, quite frankly, grey. bland. not quite apathetic, but getting there. i haven't been consistent with this for a while, though. i wonder if my friends think i'm bipolar yet. the last 2 weeks i was pushing the pissed off quotient, and today i seemed more happy than i really was. i don't know why i feel the need to do this. it's just like something i have to do. a freakishly weird compulsion. i'm thinking either pathological liar, bipolar, OCD, or maybe a few other possiblities, but remember: no self-diagnosis.

i just need to be acknowledged as something deeper.

i put out countless cries for attention, and then shun the attention that comes to me. look at my arm. honestly, i'm really sorry for that.

i haven't been touched in months. it's time i stopped expecting it.

something's gonna have to change, or maybe it has already begun changing. it's all for the better from here though. best wishes to all who want them.

sorry for how dramatic, enigmatic, and scattered this post is. i promised emotions.

---Goei---