mood: frozenmusic: 'how to disappear completely' by radiohead

hands clammy. stomach empty. light-headed. heavy-hearted. lead-footed. like a man with something on this mind i choose my soundtrack. my bloody valentine. loveless.

'i'm not here. this isn't happening.'

with the afternoon coming to an end, i take off my sunglasses. when the sun hits, i bear it. this album reminds me of my life. jumbled sounds that, sometimes, sound like they could be about love. something about cherry lipstick. something about the tourist. 'are you awake?' it asks. 'can i fade into you?'

'i'm not here. this isn't happening.'

drives: night or otherwise. this is the thinking man's hobby. singing a sweet moon song as the night comes along. all i can see is roads. my home, the I-5. home sweet home. on a day like today, it asks me, 'may i stand inside your love?'

'i'm not here. this isn't happening.'

night falls over twinkling red and white lights. combined with the circles under my eyes and the pimples on my forehead, they remind me to breathe. they remind me not to let go. too distracted to stop. too distracted to speed. again i switch the soundtrack to my drive. i switch the soundtrack to my life. radiohead. kid a. forecast for tonight: dark.

'i'm not here. this isn't happening.'

as i travel farther, my eyes glaze over, my heartrate slows. i calm down. i don't need to smile. i don't need to frown. i feel chills, i feel goosebumps. i still feel stupid. i feel tears but do not cry. the farther i go, do i find my thoughts closer to truth or lies? the farther i go, do i get closer to you?

'i go where i please.
i walk through walls.
i float down the Liffey.

i'm not here. this isn't happening.'

---Goei---