mood: forsakenmusic: 'what you want' by my bloody valentine

on wednesday i lose my home. my house will remain. my home will be entirely demolished. my parents, the only thing keeping my home existent now, are moving away. already the things in my room & the rest of the house are different. replaced. revarnished. wiped clean. a little too clean.

i slept in my old room last night. my furniture was the same, only moved a bit. my bed was exactly the same as the one i had had forever. the sheets, the colors, the scents, all the same. yet when i saw them all together, they were different. there was something totally missing from it. it is something i have yet to name.

the way my room looked and felt gave me a shake into the reality of the situation. that it was illogical. it didn't make any sense. there was something leaving and it wasn't going to singapore. when my parents leave, they will leave behind a house with plenty of furniture, a good chunk of our junk, and tons of memories made over the last 10 or 11 years. what we can never redeem is only explained by the over-simplified term 'home'.

it is my 'home' that i will never truly recover from within those walls. it floats off and ceases to exist with every memory recalled as i pick up dusty, grayed relics of myself. my home is disappearing into my past. my home is soon to be extinct. my home was the cause of all my problems. it became the solution to all life's ailments, and now, as it disintegrates into nebulous dust, it has become the cause of all of my pain and all of my sorrows once again.

goodbye home. i don't know if my tears will fall for you when you leave. but much like the haunting melody of vivaldi's strings, i will remember to love you when your memories are brought to my senses. goodbye home.

---Goei---