mood: accomplished music: 'undertow' by lush

whew! a wave of relief just washed over me. i finished a final project not too long ago. actually about 3 hours ago. so what am i doing still up 3 hours later? why, basking in the glorious rays of insomnia of course. hey, cut me a break here. i don't like the sun so naturally i function better in absence of it. it's not my fault someone decided that that's a disease.

everything today seemed to want me to sink towards one hell of a bad mood. oddly enough, i didn't succumb to the will of this karmatic force. but it seemed like some of my friends did. they really did seem sad today, and for some reason i started to get jealous of them. ok, so i'm not in a bad mood, but i sure as hell am backwards a lot of the time.

ah yes. the best news of the day. i finished my first sestina today, and if you don't know what the hell a 'sestina' is, i dont blame you. most people who aren't poetry buffs or english majors will give you a funny look if you use the word 'sestina' in a sentence. personally, i think it sounds like a type of mexican party. but i digress. this poem took me the longest ever to write. i put about 5 or 6 hours of work into it, and it's mostly cuz of that ludicrously inane endword pattern. but it's so damn rewarding. plus it was a good re-initiation, as i haven't been writing much lately. eh? what's that? you want to see it? oh, if you insist:

Murphy

“Never forget,” she said. “Never forget us.”
And with her words, she left. Away. Away to
A new life. New hopes. New dreams. New everything.
Car-door click echoed quietly in my head.
Gathering dust storms only clouded my thoughts.
She disappeared. “Why is it so cold?” I asked.

Again, again, again. I asked, I asked, I asked.
Where were we going? Where would the world take us?
Together. Together based on wishful thought.
Wherever. Wherever she goes, I go too.
Lies, lies, lies. No love. No hate. All in my head.
Gleaming, seeming real. Dreams shatter like everything.

Everything is nothing. Nothing is everything.
Question after question I posed and asked,
But to no avail. My world sent me head
Over heels. Drowning in memories of “us”.
Lost in lovesick seas. Blurred into one from two.
Lingering in the past and smothered in thought.

Life is a cruel joke. We drift through empty thought,
Leaving nothing accomplished and everything
Desired. Livid flames burn inside me. “It’s too
Fu.cking much!” I cry. The cold flames cry back, asking,
“Then why do you still ponder and dream of ‘us’,
When obviously it was all in your head?”

With that I slowly withered. “Nothing ahead
Or behind can save me,” I honestly thought.
The lush green pastures of youth blackened as “us”
Was placed on a pedestal above everything
And devoutly ignored. Sunken down, I asked
For solitude. To never be spoken to.

Shattered. And then one day she returned. All too
Late. She tried her best to get through to my head,
But to no avail. “Who are you?” she asked.
All I did was gaze into her eyes. “ I thought
Our love would last. What happened to everything?
What happened to you? What happened to us?”

And so I answered everything that she asked
With a phrase all too simple: “I forgot us.”
I hung my head and left her, still deep in thought.

---Goei---