mood: flat
music: '[nice dream]' by radiohead
i rolled up in my car an hour late. that actually isn't bad for me, considering past events. i got out and looked around the campground. obviously, the party had started without me. a lone plastic bag tumbleweed blew across from the west. the distinct smell of the ocean breeze hit me.
i went around to the trunk to unload my things. i laid my tattered grey bag on the ground and put my sleeping bag next to that. the only other thing was my guitar. i knew that sometime tonight, i would crave the notes it sang. i also knew that i would curse it just as much for pushing me away from the rest of the people. i brought it anyway.
i walked to the trailer with my hands and arms full. why was i here again? just like every time, there was something inside me telling me that either emotional chaos or emotional dearth spur from events like this. still, i came anyway. besides, jenna was coming.
before kristy, there was jenna, and before jenna, there was allison. this was the first time they were all in the same place at the same time as me. little voices in the back of my mind asked me in rapid-fire randomness, 'will it be weird? will it be weird? will it be weird?...' but i knew that it wouldn't be; i hadn't survived past the schoolyard crush stage with any of them. and so i was pathetically relieved.
'but what am i worrying so much for? this is jenna.' she and i were very good friends up until she left to san diego for college. since then, though, we'd only spoken once over the phone. otherwise, radio silence. it was odd, but all that blew over whenever we entered another shimmering conversation with each other. dutchland, wrestler reveries, late-night finals: the things jenna and i had talked about two long years ago were the stuff my dreams were made of now. there are few people i feel ashamed to smoke in front of, and jenna is one of them.
by this time i had made it into the trailer, only to be greeted by a cleanly bed and various snacks sprawled out about the table it was next to. allison's mom popped out of the bathroom at lightning speed.
oh, hello,' she said. 'they all went out into the woods exploring.'
i was intrigued at this suggestion. dropping my bags, sleeping and duffel, i darted out the door, only to find the group sitting around a fire, newly kindled by chris. my spirits suffered a bit, but not too much. i made my best 'greeting' face and made my way through the crowd exchanging handshakes, phrases, and false giggles.
i saw jenna sitting by the fire and she saw me. i swear on kevin shields' tattered shoes that she got up and in slow motion ran up to my embrace. i thought about her hair color situation and of a baywatch joke, but decided to hold my tongue. i'm pretty sure it was for the betterment of my weekend.
'GOEI!!!' she yelled.
'yep, that's me,' i said. and she ran into me. hard.
we stood conversing while the fire next to us was slowly growing, consuming everything in little pit. people started to roast hot dogs, marshmallows, and other random objects in the orange heat of the fire. the scent of all these burning items was indescribable. jenna went to get a hot dog to roast, and i went to get my guitar, knowing, nevertheless, that it would be the end of my sociability that night. i brought it out to the fireside and played a few tunes to the ignorance of my peers. no big surprise. i started to play simeon sam and saw andres' eyes light up. he scrambled around frantically searching for another guitar. he was like a dog that had just caught the scent of a gopher, running in circles looking for the right hole to bark down. i was more than halfway done by the time he returned, but he obliged to play for the remainder of the song.
we finished to an awkward silence. people got up to go different places. some went for a nighttime visit to the beach. others went back into the surrounding woods for more midnight tomfoolery. i didn't feel like playing anymore, so i put my guitar back in the trailer. i got back out and spotted jenna sitting at the almost completely deserted campfire just watching the flames. the cd player. i grabbed my cds and fingered through them. i put on the raveonettes' 'that great love sound' and waited for a second, listening to the thumping beat. i ran over to the trance-like jenna and grabbed her hand.
oh, that beat was infectious, and the proof was in our dance. over, under, to and fro. we did whatever came next naturally. eventually, we resorted to just clasping our hands and spinning in one big nauseous circle. i looked at her huge grin, her blonde hair flailing in her face. behind her, i could see the twirling flame roaring strong in the cold, wet night.
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