mood: unfulfilledmusic: 'stereo sanctity' by sonic youth

sometimes, a feeling washes over me that lets me know i'm wasting my life.

i know that sounds bad, but really, it's just a way for me to remember what it's like to let loose. to go make an adventure. to do crazy shit for no reason, and remember it for the rest of your life.

today is a day for this feeling.

i want to create. i want to create art or music or words. myself. my environment. i want to create my creativity. i want to not fall short, but i know that if i don't fall short, i'll end up feeling too resolved and, in short, empty. i want to run away into a coccoon of philosophic study. i wish that i could go through europe again, with no inhibitions and one or two good friends. i want sonic youth to be the soundtrack to my life. i want my bloody valentine to lull me to sleep on my feet. i want the smashing pumpkins to inject the teenage wisdom/anger into me again. i want the passion to force me to my knees and for my voice to be carried over a million ears. i want to be reckless and write about my follies. i want my art to speak for itself. i want to free everything. everything. everything.

it's a feeling of wanting to free everything. in and around.

it's a feeling of being content with not being content, but being pissed off because your not content. is that angst? it seems more complex.

and until the day comes when i no longer need to feel this way, i'll have the flash of epileptic boredom to drive me. and when that day comes i will consider myself dead, because i won't be myself anymore. i'll be someone else.

someone else who doesn't need miles and miles of lined paper as a canvas and a black medium point rsvp to dream.

---Goei---