mood: mopey music: 'flamenco sketches' by miles davis

*sigh*

horrible horrible day.

i don't know the real reason why.  i think half of it's because i was left out all day (beach day today, so no sympathy for me there) and the other half was a psychological thing.  you know, i only amplified it in my head because i thought i was having a bad day.  whatever way i got here, i still feel like crap, so i guess it doesn't matter all that much.  that is until they commit me and try to look at where everything started to go down the crapper.  then they'll pay attention to the details.  apparently, those little things only matter once everything is said and done, and all the consequences have been played out.

in the last two days, i encountered a few odd displays of 'bigotry'.  it's in quotes because i might just be overreacting.  it doesn't really matter if i am though, because the two instances disturbed me quite a bit.

the first was on thursday afternoon.  i was dropping off a few bags of old clothes to goodwill.  i went in carrying the bags and walked up to the counter where donations are recorded.  the guy there said to me, 'donation?' and i replied, 'yeah.'  so he starts to fill out the tax refund receipt and tells me what i need to fill out, and as he hands the form to me, he casually just says, 'so you're chinese?'  and i didn't know what to do so i just nodded and said, 'yeah.'  so that one's not too bad right?  it still shocked me, but i wasn't that angry, just surprised that he could muster up the courage to just up and ask me.

the second time was much worse.  it actually happened earlier tonight.  i already felt like a giant walking headache, so it set me up for a bad response.  i was just standing around in front of my friend's house with a bunch of my other friends.  i was casually leaning on my car, and another car drives by.  a bmw.  the white guy in the backseat said three different things as he was passing by.

they were:
1)"Sup, n*gger?"
at which point i ignored him.  then:
2)"Fine, f*ck you!"
and finally in a harsh, loud tone:
3)"Chink!"

this guy picked the wrong day to pi.ss me off.  i was angry from that last thing he said, but by that time, the car was impossible to catch up to.  and meanwhile, while i'm standing there about to explode into a bloody rage, the first thing my friends do is start laughing.  i didn't really think that was appropriate or very considerate.  so i was standing there amidst laughter with my fists clenched and steam shooting out of my ears, and all i could do was sulk.  so sulk it is.

right now i'm the unrivaled prince of lethargy.  listening to jazz, trying to cool off and slow everything down.  music-induced comatose is my specialty.  i've got three candles lit, one's about to die.  the light's are off, the fan's on low, and i'm hoping things will lighten up again soon.

---Goei---