mood: manic music: 'cybele's reverie' by stereolab

stupid pre-calculus. i'm sitting here doing my math homework at 2am because i procrastinated, and i'm thinking:

yeah, so maybe one day i'm sitting in my corner office on the 40th-ish floor and my supervisor comes in and says to me,

'how ya doin there kiddo? have a good weekend? anyways, i just stopped by to drop these off for ya. it's just a few figures the boss wants you to look over."

and i open the bland generic manila folder and the first line reads:

'2cos^2(x) + cos(x) = 0'

and i nod and say to myself,

'oh thank heaven i invested in that pre-calculus class so many years ago. not only do i remember clearly what i learned waaay back then, but it's oh so useful right now in real life!'

...

NO NO NO! THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN. IT NEVER WILL. MAYBE A PROBLEM LIKE THIS WILL SHOW UP IN A COLLEGE COURSE IN A YEAR OR TWO. MAYBE.

as you can see, i'm sick of school. and most things for that matter. but don't go to me for the solutions. theoretically, you should, because i'll be the one dealing with them when i get older. but right now, you can't, because i don't know them either. but if you ever need to know what's wrong with something, feel free to ring me up.

i was thinking recently, this blog has gotten much too tangible for my own tastes. it's become an account of my life, which is partly what i wanted. but it seems like i rarely get to speculate. to philosophize. to rant. oh i love to rant. somewhere i lost the need to show raw emotion. and i loved that. that was what made sign up here in the first place: i wanted a place where it was ok to scream at the wall for hours and then whisper sweet nothings to it before tearing half of it down with a sledge hammer. so i promise, to myself and to whoever finds me here, that i'm only going to get weirder, moodier, and more abstract among other things. you'll think i'm as bipolar as the mayor of halloweentown when i'm through.

so in the midst of procrastinating, i remembered that i had rented a movie on impulse saturday afternoon while i was walking around in the rain. it was one i'd wanted to see for a while: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. oh it was good. a very touching story. and despite all the weird things going on, the actors and actresses seemed very natural.

basically, without giving away too much, i felt that the point the movie was trying to make was complex, but concerning how forgetting things doesn't necessary lead to happiness. yes, pure ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is not necessarily misery. knowledge may make you miserable for a short time, but maybe it's for the better. i know i'm sounding preachy, but i'll be done in a short while. (plus you could always just stop reading if you really wanted to...) anyways, the reason failure exists is just to make sure we don't fuck up the same way over and over again. and you will fuck up the same way if you don't remember anything. human nature, people. simple human nature. (ironically, that's what i'm learning in psychology, and i'm proving i actually am learning it, despite the fact that i condemned the school system in the same post.)

that's pretty much why suicide doesn't make any sense to me. first off, you know things will get better if you're truly rock bottom; you can't get any worse. second, you know that lingering feeling of emotional dearth? yeah, it'll go away eventually. it's impossible to be miserable forever, just like it's impossible to be happy forever. things work in cycles. (and i mean everything, but that's a whole new topic.) so what if you're a vegetable, doomed to a hospital bed for the rest of your life? do my beliefs condone euthanasia? quite honestly, i don't know. i haven't gotten to the bottom of that yet. anyways, i'm tired so i'll stop.

plus i've got some freakin math problems to do.

---Goei---